Are my boobs still there?

After being woken up by the porn downstairs and watching cartoons for an hour, I went back to sleep for an hour and almost woke up late. I got up in time for a quick shower, scanned in instructions to email my BF and darted out the door with my tummy growling for food (not allowed to eat or drink ten hours before surgery).

I get to the hospital, check-in with the nurses and just chill out in the waiting room for about an hour before a nurse comes to take me to my “room.” We get to one of the recovery rooms where I see two beds, one that had clearly been occupied by someone else and another bed that looked as if someone sat in it but didn’t completely turn the covers down. The nurse also realizes this so she sends me back out to the waiting room so she can put new sheets on the bed. As soon as she finishes, she comes and gets me to lead me back to that same room but then another nurse goes, “oh she’s assigned to her own room. Someone’s already in that bed.” Great for me, not so good for the nurse who just changed the sheets.

So, in my own private room, I don’t get a bed, I get a reclining chair. I guess they didn’t expect me to completely be immobile after the surgery. I get dressed in the flimsy hospital gown and sit back in the chair, watching Full House and counting down the minutes until I get cut open (1 hour in counting). Another nurse comes by and tells me that it’s time to prepare the IV needle. Before she even pricks me with a needle, I have to sign countless waivers and consent forms (thank goodness power of attorney didn’t come up again) and tell her the last time I ate and peed. Then she tells me that the first prick I’ll feel is the local anesthesia for the IV needle. I’m thinking “cool, anesthetic for an IV? Give it to me then.” But it wasn’t like that. Not only did I feel the first prick from the anesthesia needle, I felt the second, deeper prick of the IV needle. Wtf? I got stabbed twice just for one useful IV line that will keep fluids going through my body?

After she stabs me and leaves a packet of tentacles hanging from my hand, she asks me “So, we’re taking out your left breast, is that correct?” INSERT PANIC AND HYSTERIA HERE: “NOOOO. Remove the lump under my LEFT ARM, not LEFT BREAST. LEAVE THE BREASTS ALONE” And the nurse is looking at my chart as I’m clarifying things to her. Do I need to grab your pen and draw a map under my arm, Nurse? And this is the creepy part, she smiles and says “Good, you’re in a clear state of mind and you know exactly what surgery you’re getting. We just want to double check.” Right. I’m still not feeling confident that you know what I need taken out.

When the time comes for me to “report to surgery”, yet another nurse walks me downstairs to the surgery waiting area. As I’m waiting, my anesthesiologist comes by to introduce himself and starts telling me the procedure of putting me to sleep. “Yes, doctor, I understand, doctor, just make sure I don’t wake up while the other guy is cutting me open.” Then the surgical nurse comes by and asks me if I’m ready. “Sure! Let’s get the party started!” We walk out of the waiting area and I see my doctor. He comes and holds my hand as he walks me towards the operating room explaining the procedure to me. I ask if he’ll prescribe me lots of painkillers for after the surgery. He laughs as he tells me “I’m mean but I’m not Satan. I’ll think about giving you painkillers.” We laugh it off until I stop short in front of the OR doors. OH MY GOODNESS, I’M REALLY GOING THROUGH WITH THIS?

Both the nurse and doctor nudge me towards the operating table. The doctor is taking off my hospital robe as the nurse unties the two ties that’s holding my hospital gown together. She instructs me to lie down on the table and tells me to RELAX. Right. Yeah. I’ll try that. As I’m trying to get on the table, I see other people in surgical garb laying out sharp, shiny scalpels and tongs and weird metal thingys that seem too big for a small surgery such as mine. There are big lights above just like the ones in the ER on TV. I lie down and ask the doctor if I can see the lump that he takes out of me (no, because it has to go directly to the lab. Humph.) but he continues to tell me what I need to do after the surgery (i.e. when to take the bandages off, etc.) and all of a sudden I feel something cool going through my hands.

Me: “oh, that’s a cool sensation.”

A voice from behind me (who I assume is the anesthesiologist): “Oh, that’s normal, it’s just the saline solution.” He puts a mask over my face and instructs “Take a deep breathe now.”

Me taking a deep breathe.

Anesthesiologist: “Now, this may sting a little bit, it’s the anesthesia. Take another deep breathe.”

Me taking another deep breathe and then exclaiming “My hand is burning! It’s not stinging, it’s really burning! The whole hand!”

Anesthesiologist: “Oh, that’s normal, take another deep breathe.”

Me taking another deep breathe and still exclaiming “but it’s burning A LOT. I don’t think that’s normal…”

Anesthesiologist cutting me off: “Take another deep breathe.”

Me taking another deep breathe and fading into the darkness.

The next thing I remember is me waking up in another waiting area. I see a nurse in the corner come rushing over and saying “Good, you’re waking up right on time. How are you feeling dear?”

A groggy me trying feeling around my breast area and asking “Are my boobs still here? They didn’t take my boobs off did they?”

I wonder what other things nurses have heard from patients waking up after general anesthesia. Well, I now have no lump and still got two boobs in the right place. Whoo hoo!