Do I look like a receptionist to you?

As I was walking into the gym this morning, the guy behind the front counter slammed down the phone and angrily whispered "I hate the fucking phones!" Then he looked up at me, embarassed that I had just witnessed what he did and said.

"Don't worry about it, after this week, I will hate the fucking phones too," I told him as he scanned my card and wished me a good work-out.

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---Monday, 8:45am, I turn down the hallway towards the office and notice the doors were closed. Great, that usually means that our receptionist is not coming in. So I opened up the doors, switched the phones on and walked back to my desk to drop off my things. Just as I was putting my things away, the officer manager comes running out of her office to find me.

Office Manager: [the receptionist] called in sick this morning. And [the paralegal] is on vacation. The temp doesn't get in until 9. Can you work out covering the phones with her when she gets in?

Me: Um, sure. Who else will do it? [note: there was no other staff in the office.]

Office Manager: Well, the phones won't get answered then if you won't do it.

Me: Um, that was a rhetorical question.

So on Monday, I ended up covering the phones from 8:45 to noon, then from 2 until 5, all the while running back and forth from my desk at the end of the office to the front desk to the copy room, etc., etc.

---Tuesday, 8:30am, I walk down the hallway and see that the office doors are fully open, only I hear loud hacking from beyond the doors. I thought to myself that I would probably be covering the phones all day again. I smile at him as I walk to my desk and settle down. And what do you know? I get an email from the receptionist saying that he wasn't feeling well and he wanted to leave early so can someone please watch the phones. He sent this email to all the staff knowing that I was the only one in the office during the mornings because 1) the paralegal is on vacation, 2) the other assistant doesn't start until 2, and 3) the temp doesn't get in until 9am. I ignored the email, not just out of spite but because I was truly busy from catching up with Monday's work.

It turns out the temp couldn't come in until 11, so the receptionist agreed to stay until the temp comes in so that I can get actual work done on my cases. 11:30 rolls around and the temp still isn't in but the receptionist keeps whining about wanting to go home so the office manager made me abandon my desk to watch the phones. Then it's 12:15 and the temp is still not in and I'm getting hungry. The office manager walks by and tells me she's going to lunch but I had to ask her how am I going to get lunch is no one else is here to watch the phones?

Office Manager: The temp is not in yet?

Me: No, I told you an hour ago that she never showed up.

Office Manager: I'll call the temp agency when I get back from lunch.

Me: Well, how am I supposed to eat? I can't wait until 2, that's too late and I'll surely pass out from starvation.

[okay, that was a bit dramatic on my part.]

Office Manager: Well, wait until 1 and then talk to me.

And she walks out to get her lunch. She comes back about twenty minutes later, parading her salad in front of me as she's telling me that she's going to eat it first before figuring out where the temp is. Grr.

At 1pm, Office Manager: Okay, the temp agency can't get in touch with her and doesn't know where she is. Why don't you just take a half hour lunch and turn the phones off.

Me: I usually take an hour lunch....

Office Manager: Well, you can't today. And eat quickly.

Me: Okay, but we shouldn't turn off the phones for a half hour.

Office Manager: Why not?

Me: Because [the Partner] hates it when no one answers the phone during business hours. He told you this before, that's why we couldn't leave early on Fridays anymore.

Office Manager: Oh yeah, that's right. I don't care, I'll just tell him that you're out to lunch.

And then she walks away. I turn off the phones and go grab a slice of pizza and swallow it quickly because 30 minutes doesn't allow for many options. I get back to the office and turn the phones on and guess who calls? The Partner.

the Partner: Why are you answering the phones?

Me: Receptionist is sick and the temp is MIA.

Partner: Temp is MIA? So you've been doing phones all morning?

Me: yeah...

Partner: Where's [the Office Manager]? She should help out so you can do the stuff I assigned you.

Me: Um, yeah. help, right. That didn't work out so well.

Partner: What do you mean?

Me: I asked [the Office Manager] to watch the phones so I can go get some lunch, and she told me to turn it off. I just got back from lunch now.

Partner: She made you turn off the phones during business hours?

Me: Yeah, and she said that if you happened to call during that time, it was because I wanted to eat.

Partner: I told her not to turn phones off during business hours. I'll deal wiht her when I get back into the office. Let me talk to [the Associate].

So I watched phones for the rest of the day Tuesday because the temp never showed up and the other assistant was forced to stay at her desk by her attorney (the other Partner). The receptionist called later in the day so say that he wouldn't be at work on Wednesday so I told the Office Manager to get another temp to just cover the phones because I can't do it anymore, especially if the temp assistant doesn't show up for work again and I have to cover all of her attorneys. But of course the Office Manager doesn't call for another temp.

---Wednesday, 8:30 am, I walk into the office, switch the phones on and just forward them to my desk. I put up a sign that reads "Messenger and delivery people, please call x123 if signatures are needed. Thanks." on the front desk and continued to work from my desk at the end of the office.

Office Manager: The temp is coming in today. She had an emergency surgery yesterday and that's why she didn't show up.

Me: Emergency surgery? Then why the hell is she even going to work today?

Officer Manager: She said she can come in.

Me: Okay, well ask her to stay the whole day because I really have a lot of work to catch up on.

Officer Manager: I will.

But she doesn't. I saw the temp coming in at 9 and I asked her if she could watch the phones and if she could stay until 5. The temp said she wanted to go home early because she wasn't feeling well after her surgery, so guess who ended up watching the phones for another f-ing day?

---Thursday, 8:30 a.m., after a work-out at the gym, I turn the corner and see the doors open at the office. I hear coughing in the background and I see that it's coming from the receptionist.

Me: Are you still contagious?

Receptionist: Yeah.

Me: Why are you here?

Receptionist: I feel better today.

I walk back to my desk and then my phone rings.

Receptionist: Honey, I'm going to leave early because I'm not feeling too well.

Me: You just told me you were feeling better. That was like two seconds ago!

Receptionist: I know, but now I'm not feeling so good.

Me: Okay.

Receptionist: I'm going to leave at 11am.

Me: Why don't you just leave now? Why did you even come in if you're not feeling well?

Receptionist: I don't know, I felt like I had to come in. To help out.

Me: Yeah, whatever. Just tell me when you leave.

And it's only 9:14am and I'm already doing phones again. And there's no temp today either. See, I knew I'd hate the fucking phones too.